Complicated

Everything’s been complicated lately. A lot of good. A lot of bad. I’m not sure where I stand with most people yet. I’m not sure where I stand with myself. Everything’s confusing. I’m just waiting for a little help.

I am a rock

Jamie: “Addie! You look so pretty today!”
Addie: “thank you so much!”
Sydney: “really, Addie, you do!”
Addie: “awe! Thanks!”
Jaime: “your skin is just perfect!”
Sydney: “and your hair looks so good!”
Addie: “thanks guys! But I really wish I had Sydney’s eyes and eyelashes! They’re so beautiful!”
Sydney: “awe! Thank you! But Jaime has a great body!”
Addie: “Jamie, your body is smokin’ hot!”
Jamie: “no, no, no guys! Malory has a great body!”
Malory: “what?”
Sydney: “you have a great body!”
Malory: “oh! Thanks! You have better legs though!”
Me: *blurts out in anger* WHAT AM I? A ROCK?
Girls: *silent*
Me: *waiting*
Sydney: “Rachel, you’re so tall!”
Jamie: “like, the very tallest!”
Addie: “super tall!”
Malory: “being tall is nice. You can reach the top shelf.”
Me: *thinking* TALL IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. IT’S A ADJECTIVE. YOU ARE SIMPLY DESCRIBING ME.

(I changed people’s names just because I can)

Because I know it’ll never happen

My friend and I were talking about winter formal today. She asked me to pick one freshman I would say yes to. I chose a kid. She said “No way! I picked him too!” I just rolled my eyes and pretended to laugh.Of courseshe picked him too. She called the kid over and said “If you had to choose between me or Rachel to take to formal, who would you pick?” “You!” The kid exclaimed without thinking and walked away without even looking at me. My friend got all happy. “Really? You would? I’m so flattered!” She yelled after him. “Would you ask that guy?” She asked me and pointed to another kid. “I don’t know. No.” I replied. She called over the next kid and asked him the same thing. “Uh! You!” He exclaimed and smiled at her. My friend got all happy again. “Oh, stop! I’m so flattered!” She giggled. I just sat there in silence. My other two friends walked over and she didn’t even hesitate to tell them what happened. “Oh, Rachel, someone’ll ask you to formal!” One of my friends who just walked over said. “No. I’m not going to formal.” I said angrily. “Come on!” She exclaimed. “No, it’s ok. I’m just going to stay home alone and eat ice cream. And then I’ll grow up, single of course, become cat lady and after my episode of Virgin Diaries appears on TLC, I’ll join a convent and become a super strict nun that no one can visit.” I blabbed on all depressed. “Someone could ask you! Have a little hope! Why do you always say that?!” She said. “Because I know it’ll never happen.” I answered.

Weird Stuff…

On Friday my ex-crush was talking to me and we were flirting and stuff. And everything was great. And I realized I’m crushing on him again. So I was all happy. And several times that day he’d look at me and smile. And whenever I was around him and/or his friends, they’d smile and laugh and poke him and stuff. So I’m thinking there’s a little something going on. Not that he likes me or anything major but maybe he thinks I’m pretty or something. Who really knows!? So my friend’s friend flat out told him that I like him again even though I told her not to. I don’t know what his reaction was because I left. I just left. And so later that night I messaged him on Facebook and said he did a played really good at his basketball games on Friday and Saturday. I was so scared. And, OF COURSE, he saw the message at 8:06 (you know, because Facebook lets you know when someone sees your message) and didn’t even bother replying. He was online most of today too and didn’t reply. What is going on!?

Messed Up

You:
Thursday you break up with me.
Friday your flirting with another girl.
Saturday you say you like her.
Sunday you say you miss her.
Monday you say you hate me and your over me.
Tuesday your friends know you really like her.
Wednesday you spend all day with her.
Thursday you say you tried to hard with her and things are going downhill.

Me:
Thursday I get broken up with out of nowhere.
Friday I’m sad.
Saturday I’m a little less sad.
Sunday I’m completely calm.
Monday I’m hurting.
Tuesday I feel alone.
Wednesday I’m pissed.
Thursday I’m confused.

I try so hard.

I try so hard to be happy. Everyone thinks I am. That must mean I’m a good faker and a good liar. I fake a smile and lie, saying that I’m fine. I’m not happy though. Only a select few truly know that. I’m hurt, sad, tired, annoyed and so much more. Nobody understands my pain. Nobody’s been through exactly what I have. I feel lost. I feel drained. I feel like I’m done. I say I want to sleep forever and not wake up. People agree with me and say they want to too. But they don’t get it. I actually mean it. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t wake up. I dread going to school and going out everyday. I’m a wreck. I have a constant stomach ache from being nervous. I have a constant pain in my chest from being hurt. People don’t understand. The scratches on my wrist are just a start. I’m going down hill fast. I need someone to save me.

Thanks. That really helps my self confidence.

Boyfriend: So… I don’t really know how to say this… Umm… I’m sorry… But… How do I say this… Uh…
Me: I think I know what’s coming. Just say it.
Boyfriend: Oh my gosh… Umm… Do you want to just be friends?
Me: Seriously?
Boyfriend: Yeah… I’m sorry.. Yeah…
Me: Ok… Fine…
Boyfriend: Cool! Bye!
Me: WAIT. Can I just ask you why? Why all of a sudden?
Boyfriend: I don’t know! Well… I mean… Uhh… Well… I don’t know… I just don’t know… Umm… Yeah…
Me: SERIOUSLY? All I’m asking is why? Don’t I deserve an answer?
Boyfriend: I don’t know… Well, I mean, yes you do… But… I don’t know…
Me: Really? Fine, be that way. Bye.
Boyfriend: WAIT. No…
Me: What?
Boyfriend: I just don’t like you! I don’t like you anymore! I just don’t!
Me: OH! THANKS! BYE!
Boyfriend: Can I have a hug?
Me: No. Bye.

"And I cover my pain with a smile and pray that people don’t ask questions."

Shit.

So I feel like shit. Not just an old shit though. Shit that’s been left in the sun too long and it like “cooking” and smells bad and is going all runny and no one wants to clean it so they just pressure wash it into the rocks with a hose and let it sink down into the dirt and rocks until it’s one with the earth. You ever have that feeling?

Still Not Happening

My boyfriend got back from his retreat yesterday. I stayed late at school so I could see him. I ran over to him, expecting a kiss, but instead he said, “I’m sick.” I died a little bit. But we hugged anyways and talked for a bit. Then I had to go.
One question:
Why is my life like this?